Some memories appears as a sensation, as a feeling, while an image form in my mind, it’s like to be briefly back then. December has always had a specific smell and often is a month long déjà vu, which gets more intense with Christmas approaching. This being said, I am not too fond of the festive season, but as I learned to tolerate it, I let these memories resurface and bask in it.

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas…

Just a child, as my parents tucked me into bed, easing my worries about not having a fireplace because nothing can stop Santa, I pretend to sleep because I will catch Babbo Natale this time! But next I know, I am waking up in the morning, and tiptoe in the silent living room to check out the presents under the Christmas tree in the half darkness of an early winter morning.

Now I’m a teenager, wrapped in a wooly hat and scarf, walking through a light snow still falling that muffles every sound. The electricity of the festive atmosphere helps me fight the sleepiness, trying to stay awake until midnight for the Christmas Mass, even if I am already stepping away from religion. The warmth of the lights and the candles in the church, the people singing, and nativity scene covered in moss.

Few years after, just feelings, no images: tension, anxiety, darkness. As Christmas Eves come and go, I want to hide until it’s all over.

Fast forward a decade or two, I am sitting on the couch watching a rerun of a unrecorded Christmas movie full of raclette cheese as every year, settled down into a grown up routine.

2020. The Christmas routine is interrupted by a virus stranding me on the island I call home. It’s just me in a new house, where I try to make myself at home, drinking wine, eating smoked salmon on toasted and buttered bread as the linguine cooks in the boiling water. Outside it’s eerily quiet, I sit down to watch a Christmas movie.

2021. Building new memories of old routines. Not everything is the same with Covid news in the background, as masks are now an ordinary sight. There are no colours, but a lingering anxiety makes everything dull. How will it feel in a few years?