Have you ever stopped for a second and thought about how many different yous there are? How sometimes what you do doesn’t match the expectations of your major character traits?

I had this thought on Wednesday on my way back home from a board game evening at work while thinking about the last few days’ endeavours. Silks on Tuesday, pints with a friend on Sunday, silks and handstand workshop followed by food with another friend, and earlier in the month, pints, a musical, friends, dinners, work stuff. But but… I hate people!

No, I don’t really hate people but I always joke about only liking about 3-4 people in the world, but in reality, I’m just an introvert, maybe a fairly sociable one even though I claim on not a sociable person either.

Before I continue, just a disclaimer this post ain’t going to be about any crafting inspiration… no plot twist of me producing some piece of art inspired by my social awkwardness. But it’s about another kinda of inspiration, an inspiration that pushes me hang upside down from the ceiling once a week.

Have you ever read Quiet by Susan Cain? I did a while ago and it was as much enlightening as comforting. To explain why I need to travel back a few decades to my school years. Throughout my career as a pupil, my teachers’ favourite catchphrase at teachers-parents meetings was: “She’s a smart kid, but she should talk more in class.”

Every time.

Every fucking time from primary school to high school.

And in the classroom, it wasn’t so different. I remember this French teacher at high school telling me I was too shy and I should climb out of my ivory tower. Well, sir, I shall ask you to kindly fuck off because I quite enjoy the protection of my ivory tower. It has cool music and a lot of books.

And outside of school, it wasn’t so different. Hey, why don’t you ever talk? ARRRGGHH!

You grow up with the idea looming over you that there’s something wrong with you, because as long as you are with one or two friends plenty to talk about, but as the number of people increases the thoughts in your brain dry up.

I grew up with the idea of never being enough for my lack of social skills, and with the years I believed this would affect my career ambitions and opportunities, aka become the Overlady of the Universe. So, that is why I found comforting Quiet because it shows introvert people can be leaders too.

It took years to be able to find a balance and accept that there are different ways of being sociable. It also needs to have the right people around you. The ones who say “Happy you could make it!” rather than “Has the cat eaten your tongue?” And the years also proved that you don’t need to be an extrovert to build a solid professional network and succeeds in roles where communication is crucial. Although let’s admit that emails&co lend a huge hand, but the dreaded meetings and PowerPoint presentations are always around the corner ready to jump scare the shit out of you.

Going back to the trigger of this post, the different mes that all cohabit into my head, sometimes peacefully, sometimes less so, I find we often forget – and I’m guilty of it too- that people you meet every day often present only a part of them. Maybe a carefully crafted one in order to cope with their anxiety or other ailments of their hearts. I’m guilty of this as I’ve admitted just now, because when I admire (and envy) another girl for how perfectly at ease she seems, I don’t know her struggles and I don’t know if she had the same conversations with herself that I do every time I’m about to enter a full room of people (aka anything above 3 counts as full). After all, I was told once I was a bucket of courage. It did surprise me when I heard it! But then looking back at all the things I’m putting myself into (aerial, workshops, meet ups, new jobs, etc.), it can definitely give the “wrong” impression!

And to be fair, it’s no so wrong…

I do like trying new things and keep me busy (it’s also a way to cope with depression), and oftentimes having no partner in crime means you either do it on your own or you don’t. It used to be a lot of the latter, but then I decided “Fuck it!” and embrace the former. And that’s how I find myself every evening with something different between my own sourced events and friends’ invitations – because people actually like spending time with me! And it’s not my invisible friends or my invisible cats but real people!

Ok, let’s wrap this up, I’m getting the silly here!

So, what is the conclusion of this post? I need an evening for myself and full night of sleep! 😉