I’m one of those freaks you’d see drinking a pint and reading a book or eating on their own.

It’s a blessing and it’s a curse.

I can spend a full day or even more without uttering a word.

It is a good thing, as it’ll never stop me doing something because I’m on my own, but it’s a bad thing because it’ll stop me to ask people to join me.

I had one of “those” days. Not my period. But one of those days in which I had a walk, a pint, food, all on my own.

Some people think I’m weird, some people think I’m “brave”, I just cherish my own company.

There’s a weight society put on people on their own – try to book a single room – as if being one, being single, being alone is not the norm.

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I started writing this post in February and since I had many more of those days. Just last Sunday was one of those, this time in my woman cave. I sewed, studied, cleaned and by the end of the day I realised I didn’t even Whatsapp anyone.

Since I started writing this post, I also made a lot of efforts (on an introverted scale) to be more sociable. It feels nice, but it also feels like hard work…

The world caters for extroverts, for couples, and family. Have you ever tried to go eat on your own on Valentine’s Day? I did. And people looked weirdly at me. Isn’t it meant to be the day of love? Is it wrong to love yourself enough to bring you out to dine?

I dare say no!

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But recently the most beautiful message was sent to me on a bus trip to a metal concert. It was meant to be a solitary trip as I thought no one I knew would be on the bus, but unexpectedly a friend was there with some people and they wrote me if I wanted to stay there to have alone time, otherwise to join them on the back of the bus.

I joined them.

It was beautiful to me because it is very rare people would give you this choice.

Not joining in the “party” is often considered rude.

Declining an invite to anything by saying I need to stay on my own is a truth that can be used only for selected friends.

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A part of the continuous need for loneliness is probably also related to my tendency to depression and anxiety.

Depression makes me avoid people.

Loneliness exacerbate my depression.

People makes me anxious.

It feels like balancing on a rope:

• on the left, the dark pit of depression.
• on the right, a shouting crowd.

And me trying to balance… while managing all the other activities related to living, like working, sleeping, eating, adulting, well… IT’S FUCKING EXHAUSTING.

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What’s the point of this post? Not sure.

But every time I find another “freak” at the pub reading a book on their own – I would never of course talk to them as you don’t interrupt someone reading book NEVAH- but it makes me feel I belong to an hidden community, so I guess I want to give a silent shout out to all loner pub readers.